why continue medicine?

i am on duty, it's already 4:30AM, i've got nothing to do and i am still up. when a few days back i did not report for duty because all i wanted was to sleep. there are times, if not most of the time, i feel like i have lost my motivation to continue. to pursue this path that i have chosen. when i  first thought of taking up medicine, i just looked at what was on top. i just looked at the trophy, although i looked at the ladder and saw that it was long, what i didn't notice was it was unstable, there were nails sticking out, it was even slippery. i am now halfway to the top but i feel like climbing the ladder seems to be heavier each time i take a step up. i've just lost all contacts with chico, who i can say is more than just my inspiration. so i sometimes think to myself, why should i keep on going? i am still here now when a few days back, i was contemplating on going on LOA. but i am here, with hope, with enthusiasm, with motivation...but for how long again? it feels like walking in a desert...one time you grow tired and dehydrated...you take sips of water and feel energetic to walk on...but later on you feel the same thing again. now what are my "sips of water" in this path that i have chosen:

- my future Ducati. yes sometimes i feel that Doc Gab Casuga, future pedia neuro or Onco, or Lawyer-Doctor, or what..can gift himself with material things. just like a child whom you ask to clean his room and you will give him yellow rice just after. sometimes it is ok to think of material rewards . at least diba

- the barrios - this is one thing that has kept me going, after the board exams next year, i will be deployed to far flung barrios who haven't seen a doctor in at least 2 years. i will be there to immerse with them and be their doctor. the thought of this makes me live the day, learn cases, read (kahit papaano), for what i always put in mind...what if i encounter such patient in the barrios, what would i do?

-Dr. Cuanang - not to have bushy eyebrows, but to be someone people can respect, look up to. (He's the example i am mentioning now since as of press time i am under his service. and i can proudly say he is good and im learning a lot from him. things i can read in the book but what i have learned more from him are those things we do not study in medical school). sometimes i want to think i want to be like them: Drs. Cuanang, Poblete, Minee Reyes, Atienza, Doctor, de Guzman, and etc.

-House MD - my favorite show. until now i still don't know what specialization to take (will post another blog for this). but i want to be like him, to be able to handle different cases, to be all specialties in one. it is mind boggling, it is a burden, it is meant for medical geniuses, but i want to be one. i want to play investigator.

what i have listed here are shallow reasons to keep me going. But God is my deepest reason why i should continue. in one of our conversations, i told him i want to meet Him already since i find no purpose here. He answered back, it is not through death that i will get to Him. my purpose here in life is to find Him, and He must've guided me into the right path. who knows where i may find Him. internship? the barrios? residency? meeting my loved one?

My family and friends, though i am not visible all the time. i know they can come to me when they feel sick...the feeling of being lifeless..and that's where i come in, to bring out the vitality in them (Karl, if you're reading this...remember when we almost paid 4K just to know you have Muscle spasms?) hahaha :))

My chico...papa's here for you no matter what. my wish right now is for me to be strong, to fight for you. i don't know what's best for you, if what's best for you is to let you grow with the family you will learn to know as you grow. but now, all i know what's best for both of us is to read that Goldilocks and the three bears book...the Papa Gab and Chico version where goldilocks isn't walking in the woods but driving a red ferrari.

My future patients, i have studied medicine in a mediocre way, i admit that. for the reason that it isn't the books whom i will be friends with for the rest of my practice. but it is through you wherein i get to learn to heal. to bring out the vitality in all of you who feel lifeless.

and so be it! to Medicine and beyond! alea jacta est! and it will be veni, vidi, vici for me!

Party People!

i'm baaack! been a long time since! subukan natin ulit magblog! i've never been so keen on keeping a diary. pero mukhang masaya magexpress ng thoughts through blog. my first post in a long time would be about what happened to me last night.

i joined my plm friends at the fort last night. i've never been a party boy. there are several types of bars that i have known. one is to go where you can sit down, drink and chat with friends. another is the noisy, get wild, do your thing bar. it was the latter where i went to last night. and this is my observation regarding the people who go there:

from my perspective, there are two types of girls who go to the bars. and from the show how i met your mother they are the Woo girls...wooooooohhhh!!!! hahaha nothing to discriminate but im just pointing out the purpose of such bars. one type is the one who got off a break up, or who's gotten into a big fight with the BF, or any related stuffs. and the other one are those who wants to be looked upon by guys. i wonder why the need to overdress? last night i wore a long sleeved polo and folded up the sleeves, maong pants, and sneakers...and i was thinking to myself that i must've overdressed and that i should've worn a polo shirt na lang sana. but when i arrived at my friends' place....vavavooom! they're hot! hahahaha if only people get to dress like that even not for bars then i would love to have walks everyday hehehe but i wonder, just wondering :)

to the boys: there are also two types, one who goes there and make pa-pogi. and the other types are those being dragged by their friends. am i more on the latter? hahahaha but in conclusion the bars would be fun if you go there with your barkada, your circle of friends, unwind, drink, dance among yourselves. that would be fun! i just have no comment on the going to bars to meet someone...i say people are not their actual person when going to the bar. the happiness i observed is not really happiness but trying to be happy and not long lasting. this i say from what i have observed and i have noticed even in myself. for the sake of being happy? must be something about the place? the music? the setting? i dunno. people get hyped when their other friends start getting hyped but one by one they also get tired. i envision a type of bar wherein from the start til you drop everybody is happeeee! :)

Party People!!!