i am on duty, it's already 4:30AM, i've got nothing to do and i am still up. when a few days back i did not report for duty because all i wanted was to sleep. there are times, if not most of the time, i feel like i have lost my motivation to continue. to pursue this path that i have chosen. when i first thought of taking up medicine, i just looked at what was on top. i just looked at the trophy, although i looked at the ladder and saw that it was long, what i didn't notice was it was unstable, there were nails sticking out, it was even slippery. i am now halfway to the top but i feel like climbing the ladder seems to be heavier each time i take a step up. i've just lost all contacts with chico, who i can say is more than just my inspiration. so i sometimes think to myself, why should i keep on going? i am still here now when a few days back, i was contemplating on going on LOA. but i am here, with hope, with enthusiasm, with motivation...but for how long again? it feels like walking in a desert...one time you grow tired and dehydrated...you take sips of water and feel energetic to walk on...but later on you feel the same thing again. now what are my "sips of water" in this path that i have chosen:
- my future Ducati. yes sometimes i feel that Doc Gab Casuga, future pedia neuro or Onco, or Lawyer-Doctor, or what..can gift himself with material things. just like a child whom you ask to clean his room and you will give him yellow rice just after. sometimes it is ok to think of material rewards . at least diba
- the barrios - this is one thing that has kept me going, after the board exams next year, i will be deployed to far flung barrios who haven't seen a doctor in at least 2 years. i will be there to immerse with them and be their doctor. the thought of this makes me live the day, learn cases, read (kahit papaano), for what i always put in mind...what if i encounter such patient in the barrios, what would i do?
-Dr. Cuanang - not to have bushy eyebrows, but to be someone people can respect, look up to. (He's the example i am mentioning now since as of press time i am under his service. and i can proudly say he is good and im learning a lot from him. things i can read in the book but what i have learned more from him are those things we do not study in medical school). sometimes i want to think i want to be like them: Drs. Cuanang, Poblete, Minee Reyes, Atienza, Doctor, de Guzman, and etc.
-House MD - my favorite show. until now i still don't know what specialization to take (will post another blog for this). but i want to be like him, to be able to handle different cases, to be all specialties in one. it is mind boggling, it is a burden, it is meant for medical geniuses, but i want to be one. i want to play investigator.
what i have listed here are shallow reasons to keep me going. But God is my deepest reason why i should continue. in one of our conversations, i told him i want to meet Him already since i find no purpose here. He answered back, it is not through death that i will get to Him. my purpose here in life is to find Him, and He must've guided me into the right path. who knows where i may find Him. internship? the barrios? residency? meeting my loved one?
My family and friends, though i am not visible all the time. i know they can come to me when they feel sick...the feeling of being lifeless..and that's where i come in, to bring out the vitality in them (Karl, if you're reading this...remember when we almost paid 4K just to know you have Muscle spasms?) hahaha :))
My chico...papa's here for you no matter what. my wish right now is for me to be strong, to fight for you. i don't know what's best for you, if what's best for you is to let you grow with the family you will learn to know as you grow. but now, all i know what's best for both of us is to read that Goldilocks and the three bears book...the Papa Gab and Chico version where goldilocks isn't walking in the woods but driving a red ferrari.
My future patients, i have studied medicine in a mediocre way, i admit that. for the reason that it isn't the books whom i will be friends with for the rest of my practice. but it is through you wherein i get to learn to heal. to bring out the vitality in all of you who feel lifeless.
and so be it! to Medicine and beyond! alea jacta est! and it will be veni, vidi, vici for me!